Last night was the worst night ever, and all you moms, I ain't got nothing on you. Time: 2am. Location: Master Bedroom. Culprit: Mary Jane Woodson (aka, cat).
Mary Jane is still at that ever so sweet kitten stage where she likes to sleep cuddled right up in the crick of your neck or your chest or on your shoulder. Some people think that's gross, but I don't mind; I think it is amusing. Upon settling down she often does the infamous "kneading bread" technique, useful for fluffing pillows, naval piercings, scab picking, skin tearing and other salutary feline extremities. So naturally when she is settling down to sleep so close, this kneading often takes place on my neck, or my shoulder and even my hair.
Last night at 2am I felt her jump up on my chest then to my neck and I was thinking ''man this cat is stinky' - she is kind of a stinky kitten anyway. After walking across me she jumped back down but her stink still lingered, and waving my hand in front of my face did nothing for the stench that was burning inside my nose. Not 30 seconds later there she was again, walking on my neck and then onto my pillow, inches from my ear ferociously licking and smacking and gnawing her legs. The horrid stench was more than I could handle and I was thinking 'oh my god, this is more than stinky bottom, there has to be something wrong here.' Frantically switching on the light I discovered that Mary Jane's legs, and I am not talking feet here people, I'm talking HER ENTIRE LEGS were covered in cat shit and that furious licking and gnawing? She was desperately trying to get it off of her.
Man, I shot out of bed like I'd been shocked, grabbed the cat and ran to the bathroom, threw on the faucet and covered her legs in soap. Between the way she was howling and the furious squirming and the freezing cold water there was no way to be quiet, so in walks Billy all squinty eyed and sleepy and asks 'whatareya doing with the cat?' And I'm like dying inside because all I can feel is cat claws digging into my skin and theres brown water being flung all over the counter and me and the floor. 'Babe, the cat's legs are covered in poop!' And then she twists and my grip vanishes and she is on my back and I'm hunched over and flailing - blindly groping for her to pull her off, water splashing everywhere. By the time she was clean enough and I couldn't take the clawing any longer I was not only soaked but I stunk like fresh cat crap - and I'm talking fresh. I let her go and she ran out of the bathroom and I was left looking at a very brown, very stinky, very wet bathroom and me. Covered in poop and shaking. I stripped and just as I thought I was safe I reached my hands up to my hair and thats when the tears came. I my hair was covered in cat shit too. It was more that I could handle and all I could do is stand there and cry and repeat 'oh my god, ewwwwwww.' Pitiful, I know.
After I got out of the shower I walked into the hallway only to discover that she had tracked her dirty paws through the hallway. I was furious at this point because I now got to enjoy hunting f0r and scrubbing poopy paw prints from the carpet. Just as I thought I was done I walked into the living room to find that she had peed all over a section of the paper that the flood guy had taped along wall to protect the carpet from his work. She had been so scared from the freezing cold water I had been torturing her with in the sink. I pretty much lost it at that point and handed Billy the scissors so he could deal with cutting it out and cleaning it up. I was done.
Today we get to wash ALL our bedding and all associated apparel that was degraded by those filthy paws. Mom, Erika, Krista, I ain't got nothing on you. You are my heroes and I AM NOT READY TO BE A MOM. Holy cow, I hope that doesn't happen again.