Monday, August 18, 2008

My Human Nature

It's not that I want to avoid making mistakes because I want to be without error. No. In fact, I want to avoid making mistakes because of the consequences they have on the the relationship with whom the mistake has been made. Words and actions cannot be rewound. They can be apologized for. They can even be pleaded for as mistakes. But the one thing that cannot be subtracted is the fact that what has been said or done has indeed been done. There is no rewinding time. Forgiveness may be offered and accepted, but a memory cannot be erased.

All of the times I've argued with my husband I wish hadn't happened. If I try, I can stop arguing, I can make myself see his point of view in a different light. I can have self control over my words. But all of this can only happen in the future now. All of those times my terrible attitude and hurtful words been spoken into reality means that all of those times can never be erased. They already happened. They are the history of how I have chosen to be. How I have chosen to deal with things. What his mind remembers. It makes me fall apart.

Being surrounded by friends that already have kids when I do not gives me a lot of time to observe things that I would and wouldn't do when it comes to be my turn. I started thinking about my appreciation for being able to observe so many different families, their rules, their structures, and filing them away in my memory bank so I won't have to "make mistakes." Costly mistakes that affect memory and relationships for a lifetime.

So, it's not that I want to avoid making mistakes because I want to be without error. No, no certainly not. But rather to run as fast as I can until I feel like my heart and head are going to explode with the one goal to prevent what I know to be the result of them. A hurting heart with a memory of mistakes.

Silly Georgia. But don't you know? That you can never escape them?


Anonymous said...

Prayer for both in the heat of the situation is a real help.

I myself had the opportunity to watch friends become parents before I was even married and then after marriage. It helped me a lot to form my own ideas of how I expected and wanted my children to act and behave.
I think that it worked out well.

Celestial said...

This feels like you have pulled the words right out of my head. I can't say hubby and I argue, as we tend to work more with body language, but the pain is no less there in the end.

I have the worst time trying to forget my mistakes. Those memories often bombard me when I'm in a weak state and can easily fall under the pressure.

I am thankful that when I forgive someone I can easily forget other's mistakes. It's the events that I'm still bitter about that I can't forget.